I need this, I think. Man, I don't understand myself at all. But honestly, I don't think anyone really gets themselves. Perhaps the greatest mysteries are not the cosmic questions or origin stories and what have you, but the purpous, the idioscycrasies, of the human spirit? I can't tell you how often I look at my reflection and I have no concept that I m the figure that is staring back at me. I sort of think I oly exist within the mind or something. The body is just an extensio of the mind, right? But I also can't understand or percieve my own mind. I dont know what type of person I really am. Am I the net values I am judged as by others? Or is there some deeper truth to my persona? If an actor acts like a doctor his whole life, and everyone thinks him a doctor, is he really anything but a doctor? Man, messed up metephysical conundrums.
This is a good example of my moodiness I always talk about. I was having a pretty decent, if really busy day. Then all of a sudden, for no reason at all, I just violently switch to that which I am now. There ust be a trigger, but I haven't the slightest as to what it might be. School is going fine, im busy and enjoying being busy, working out consistantly. I have great friends and all the supposed awkwardness I was expecting this year never transpired. So why do I get like this? I realize im actually in a pretty privalged position, so in all honesty it only adds to my guilt to get like this. I'll blame it on hormones. Fuck Hormones.
I have started dieting a bit. nothing serious, just cleaning my stuff up. I was kinda getting a little fat, so its nice to not have that going on so much anymore. And honestly, it just feels cleaner and better to eat the way I do. Makes me feel like a well oiled machine that runs on whole wheat pasta and grilled chicken. haha, what an abomination.
I go to meet with the lady who wil be facilitating my tutoring experiance at Greenfield Middle School (henceforth refered to as GMS) tommorrow at 10 am. I'm moderatly excited about it, but ironically it sort of feels liek the first day of school again. Jitters. Should be exciting, and its entirely possible I'll be spending the next few years teaching there in some capacity, as one of the grad programs i am considering would have me placed there. so i will be good to establish some ties, and that all starts tommorow.
Man, I don't even have anything to think about. its just a void in my mind sometimes, a cesspool. I guess I'll talk about these cool banned books they had on display at the library. Apparently its Banned Books week here at Umass, and they had some interesting titles out for all to see. The expected "Origin of the Species" and Communist Manifesto were out, but there were some cool unknown books as well. Child of God by Cormac McCarthy is certainly on my reading list, and even though its supposedly extreamist feminist liuriture, I want to read Bastard Out Of Carolina as well. There were a bunch other, and it will be nice to have the word bug bite me all over again. I'll use the salve of interpritation to make it better, haha.
I'm pumped about Ryan and Jim coming up this weekend. Be a nice home coming for Ryan, I think. We are going to go to Nat's house on Saturday for a hike, which should be fun. She seems excited to see Ryan again. Ah, to reunite old friends again!
Tommorow night into Friday morning I will be on an intense mission to know all there is to know about the firebombing of Dresden, Germany. I have a big research presentation on that due on monday, and I'm going to try to get it all out of the way on Friday as to maximise the ejoyment of my weekend. so thats gonna be annoying, but its not like I'll have anything else to do, anyway. Probably gonna make it a marathon session in the library, work until the sweat is replaced by tears or something, haha.
I sometimes wonder who my true friends are, but then I grapple with the idea of what it means to be a true friend, and then the question of my status as a true friend comes into contention in my own mind. I guess I'll give you the run down of my friend groups, I believe I have about 4 major ones.
Here goes
Group one- Neighborhood friends/Basement- These guys I have probably speant the most time with out side of my mom. They all ahve their flaws, and so do I, but generally I feel pretty close to these guys. We grow o each other, and while I sort of believe I don't have that much in common with a lot of the themes of the basement, like video games and d and d and war hammer, I still love that place. These guys will always have my back, and I'll always have theirs. Its a fact.
Group two- The "Nerd Friends"- Sorry for the offensive title fellas, but you get the idea. Your mostly the people I went to high school with, who I bounced my ideas off of and heard echos that sounded like intellectualism. This is Tino, Wilson, Robie, Fogarty, Evan, ect. I don't see most of you guys very often, but I think of you a lot because your all cool people. While we have scattered like leaves in the wind, lets not forget were all from the same tree, you know? I'm not sure I have anyone in this group who I could confide in like I know I could in the basement, but you guys are awesome and make for a pretty powerful trivia squad, I must say.
Group three- The "I'm a year younger then dan and usually fairly athletic" group- This group is dominated by Kenny Adams and Jon Bishop, with some supporting roles from Pickett, Jerry Smith and Ryan Loring. Again, yall are pretty cool, but I wouldent know most fo you had it not been for Kenny Adams. Kenny and I have been friends for ages, and I do feel like ours is a lifelong friendship. jonny B has been a more aggressive friend, and I have abosulutly no problem with that. Its obvious that we get along, and I'm glad to have known him.
It just dawned on me that there are actually two other groups. so this entry will be slightly longer then anticipated. Bear with me.
Group 4- The Kate Stevenson Crew- I met Kate working at the library, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that she is not only the best, but the most amazing thing I ever found there. for those of you who don't know, Kates a superstar in every sense of the word. Smart, awesome, funny, ambitious, intellectual, down to earth, and my lil' sister in all but the blood sense. It has actually been an interesting and, surprisingly, somewhat painful experiance watching her grow up from a wide eyed 8th grader to some kind of---gasp---adult. I know she and I will remain close for the rest of our lives, and I am quite privalaged to have my existance seasoned with the greatness of her own. Through her I have met a bunch of cool people, like Steph Baima. There are more, but Steph deserves the next mention. Shes pretty sweet as well, and its refreshing to be around her because shes always going to speak her mind and tell you whats up. I don't mean this in the sassy kind of way, but more in the honest and poingent sort of way. Shes one of the better people I have ever come across. A few more people belong to this group, but Kate and Steph are easily my favorites. No offense to the rest of you nameless ones, though.
The final group, Group 5- School Friends- Is the most hotly contested in my mind. I have met a bunch of very interesting people here, but I have a hard time drawing the line between friend and aquantence. for example, I know Natalie and Elise are my friends. I know Clem is my friend, and Crowe and Eli and Marra and Pickett. Kelley and Rebecca are friends as well. I am not certain about some of the auxillary charectors. But enough of the negative, lets talk good. Some people here at school are pretty awesome. I can thank Natalie for getting me into Hiking, and Clem for making me a better magic player. Crowe and Pickett provide me with a lot of entertainment as well. I hope, and believe, that the friendships I have cultivated here at school will withstand the test of time. I certainly hope so, I know they have withstood lots of problems in the past. Heres to a bright future!
Thats all for the time being. I feel considerably better, but better is not good.
PS: I'm extreamly excited about something in November, but more on that later.
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